More than we want to know, Senator

The Good Ship Gore is recruiting for a first mate, and what a wonder it is watching people try to wiggle out of it. House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt is said to have pleaded with Al Gore not to put him on the presidential ticket, but this could well be an act of false modesty. Our own Sen. John Kerry is said to be among the top three finalists, which is causing a wide variety of reactions in our area, everything from giddy excitement to a red, itchy rash. Among those who wish to be left alone, however, nobody touches Florida's Democratic Sen. Bob Graham. He has perhaps successfully inoculated himself against the vice presidency by offering to Gore and to Time magazine the literally thousands of diaries he has kept on his fascinating daily existence for lo these many years.

Time helpfully published a few excerpts, giving us a sample of the mind-boggling attention to pointless detail that consumes this poor man. On the Sunday back in 1994 when his daughter Cissy was about to give birth, we learn that Graham spent from 8:45 to 9:35 having breakfast. It was branola with peach, which gives us some idea of why it took him almost an hour to eat it.

The rest of the day is the same way. He tells his diary that after having tuna for lunch, he watches "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective" and at the moment his daughter announces she is in labor, he dutifully rewinds the tape between 1:30 and 1:45 p.m. before moving along to the human miracle about to take place.

Now, consider: This is someone who is under consideration for one of the top jobs in American government. When we think of such people keeping diaries, we may think of Jefferson or Hamilton, reflecting on their meetings and their activities and what it means in the great scheme of things, the course of democracy and the human condition. We get a glimpse of their thoughts, which shaped the nation and are valuable for hundreds of years.

Or, with former Sen. Bob Packwood, we at least get a salacious tally of how many women he groped and French-kissed in the back rooms of the Capitol.

With Graham we get a picture with the sound turned off. He keeps track of things the way people do when their doctor wants them to write down everything they eat and then keep track of their bodily functions. We get to find out every little bit of what he did, but it seems there is no clue about why. He doesn't even tell us whether he liked "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective." Maybe an earlier diary entry reveals whether he picked it out himself or whether someone handed it to him. Or maybe not. The most we can extract about his character from this is that he rewound the tape, obeying the instructions on the cassette and proving that he's kind because he rewinds. Maybe this is supposed to make an impression.

Graham explains that the diaries help him with time management, but it's hard to see how. He probably keeps diary entries about the times he reads his old diaries.

Some Washington commentators generously interpret this compulsive behavior as a signal that Graham is ahead of his time. Richard Cohen of the Washington Post, obviously straining to say something nice about a guy who is related to his boss, figures that at least Graham is ahead of the curve on Big Brother watching our every move, and I suppose he's got a point.

But look who he's trying to impress: Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, a technophile who carries a state-of-the-art Palm Pilot on his belt to keep notes and watch his schedule. What is a guy like Al Gore going to make of a possible running mate who keeps track of his every waking minute in little paper notebooks, color-coded by season, no less? Maybe he ought to sit Graham down and explain that a little hand-held computer could not only do the job, but it could store, cross-reference and index the whole thing -- and then serve it up on the World Wide Web for anyone to try to decode using elaborate theories of numerology and decryption. Maybe there are hidden messages from outer space, who knows? But paper diaries? How 20th century.

So thanks, Sen. Graham, for this special little glimpse into your life. It's been really interesting, and now if you will excuse me for just a moment, I have to make an important phone call.

Steve Urbon is editorial page editor of The Standard-Times.

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