Men who hate women use criticism to demean, control

Working women may feel more equal in the eyes of the law, but what effect does equality have on their personal relationships? Is there a backlash from the men in their lives?

The word for "woman hater," derived from Greek, is misogynist, from miso, meaning "to hate," and gyne, meaning "woman." The word was usually used to describe mass murderers, rapists and others who acted out violently against women. That is, until Dr. Susan Forward, author of "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them," personally experienced another type of misogynist.

Forward, a successful writer and psychologist, discovered that no matter what she tried to do to please her husband, he was critical and demeaning. His put-downs whittled away at her self-esteem, resulting in frustration and self-doubt. Tuned in to her own dilemma, she became aware that several of her professional female patients were experiencing similar self-doubts caused by overly critical husbands.

According to Forward, the situation is more common that we think. A psychological misogynist, she says, will blame a woman "for everything from his inadequacies to her love for him." A woman's profession is a favorite target for a misogynist, making her feel inadequate and undervalued.

Because of diminished self-esteem, a woman who has been labeled as selfish and uncaring by her significant other may exert extra effort trying to please him. But the more she tries to appease him by apologizing, giving in or subconsciously sabotaging her own career, the more critical he becomes.

Ramona Garcia was once a beautiful and talented artist. Her husband, Lenny, pursued her for months, finally winning her away from several other suitors. The honeymoon didn't last long. Lenny's continuous put-downs were so insidious that she wasn't aware of the damage he was causing her until friends and relatives started to complain about how uncomfortable they felt in the couple's presence. Ramona defended her husband, blaming herself for any problems and explaining that Lenny was only criticizing her "for her own good."

Forward refers to this as the Professor Henry Higgins-type of misogynist. These men may be in advisory professions such as physicians, attorneys, professors or psychologists. "The prestige of their job provides these men with additional credibility as critics and mentors," says Forward.

A victim of subtle put-downs is made to question the accuracy and validity of her own memory and perceptions. This "gaslighting" technique is named after the old movie by the same name starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. Gaslighting has come to mean the subtle manipulation of another person.

What's so damaging about the Gaslight technique is that a woman is left dealing with her own perception, which has repeatedly been called into question by the man she loves. How can she discuss and resolve a problem with someone who denies the existence of certain events and who insists that what she knows to be real never happened?

She needs to get help. The first, and most important, step is for her to realize that she is not inadequate. She can ask friends how they perceive the situation, and she can ask herself a series of questions. Has she given up important activities or people in her life in order to keep him happy? Does he devalue her opinions, feelings and accomplishments, especially in front of other people? Does he yell, threaten or withdraw into angry silences when she displease him? Does she find herself walking on eggs attempting to please him? Does she often feel confused, off-balance or inadequate with him? If she answers "yes" to any of these questions, she must face the fact that her situation will probably not get better until she takes action to gain support and confirmation that she is not imagining things.

The next step is to find a good psychologist, who will be able to help her recognize her partner's insidious behavior as it happens, support her actions to rebuild her damaged self-esteem, and break out of the destructive relationship.