Naming teams has become a minefield
It is good to know that the National Collegiate Athletic Association has established a policy that bans the use of mascots based on Native Americans.
Despite pressure to soften its stance, the NCAA held firm in its ruling against an appeal by the University of Illinois, and stated that "Chief Illiniwek," is "hostile and abusive" to American Indians.
It really does not matter if some of these mascots date back well over 100 years and that a number of recent polls show that most American Indians are not offended. Nor does it matter that, for the most part, the mascots are really a respectful sign of honor. What is important is that the NCAA has made a decision and has assumed the important role of the thought police.
While this is a good start by the NCAA, it has a long way to go, and other sports organizations have even farther.
The "Patriots" were God-fearing, gun-carrying, small-government, right wing extremists. New England should adopt a more centrist mascot -- perhaps the New England "Moderates."
The "Cowboys" are even worse. They are men, they fight Indians, they carry guns and worst of all, they exploit horses and eat meat! Bring on the Dallas "Organic Farmers."
In addition to being an ethnic slur, the "Fighting Irish" glamorizes conflict. Since we are now learning that nothing is ever worth fighting for, I suggest the "Surrendering Frenchmen" of Notre Dame. Imagine thousands of cheering fans waving their white flags as their football team, in a gesture of submission, allows the opposition to repeatedly score.
One might think that the Washington "Redskins" is safe. After all, the team started out as the Boston "Redskins" and was given that name by their Native American coach in honor of the colonists who disguised themselves as Indians at the Boston Tea Party. But as a nation of coffee drinkers, we should recognize that "Redskins" is disrespectful to the tea-drinking minority.
Animal mascots are good as long as they are vegetarians. Obviously, that excludes lions, tigers and dolphins. The "Eagles" should be renamed the Philadelphia "Turkeys." This would serve two purposes: It eliminates the aggressive war-like bird and replaces it with a gentle peace-loving animal. More importantly, it would assist People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in their battle to stop the murder of millions of turkeys every Thanksgiving.
But we must be particularly careful. While the "Cardinals" seem to fit neatly into the vegetarian animal category, the team could be mistaken as an endorsement for the Catholic Church. The "Songbirds" is a safer bet.
Scientific studies prove a direct correlation between the win-loss record of the Miami "Hurricanes" and man's (I mean people's) use of fossil fuels. To alleviate any endorsement for global warming, the University of Miami should demonstrate leadership and rename their team the "April Showers."
While we are on the subject of global warming, it is time to scrap the "Jets" in favor of a more environmentally friendly transportation such as the New York "Hybrid Buses."
I see nothing wrong with the Alabama "Crimson Tide," but toss out the elephant, which is frequently associated with Republicans.
The Georgia Tech "Yellow Jackets" paints insects in a poor light and encourages the use of pesticides. All stinging insects are really the freedom fighters of the environment, which have been forced into terrorism by humans who seek to colonize their land.
Don't be discouraged, there are still many options available. While we have the "White Sox" and the "Red Sox" that only scratches the surface to the possible combinations of gender-neutral laundry. There are enough color and garment combinations for every sports team in the country.
Do not make the mistake of doubting the importance of this topic. Consider the dramatic reduction in the Washington crime rate after the politically incorrect "Bullets" became the "Wizards."
Clearly, this all-important mascot project is a work in progress. Please send me your suggestions so that we can get it right. Then we can move on to other pressing social issues like boycotting Sears until they change the name of their flagship tool line from "Craftsmen" to "Craftspeople."
Dr. Peter Friedman is a professor of mechanical engineering at UMass Dartmouth who lives in South Dartmouth. His e-mail address is ConservativeCorner@hotmail.com
This story appeared on Page A16 of The Standard-Times on December 1, 2005.
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